May 10, 2009

On the tip of my frontal lobe

What am I thinking about? There's certainly something that's been scratching at the back of my head the entire time, I've been thinking and there's really one thing I can think of.

Sex. Sex sex sex sex sex. No matter how you put it, it's still sex. That and Bri. I just keep thinking of her. Waking up in the mornings, cold and alone, brushing my teeth, walking to class in the morning, it's all a painful slap in the face. I wish I had done something differently. She just came out with it on my birthday, we didn't even really attempt to try to fix the relationship. It just went *phut* She gave me two options, those two options were just as bad, and I didn't know what to pick. In a moment of blindness, I chose for us to break it off. I wish I hadn't. I hate my birthday. Each day, I look with less and less enthauism to turning the next age. Even though I turn twenty one in 10 months, I dont want to. I'm still hung up on twenty.

I cant listen to Abba anymore. That's ruined. I cant watch ballroom dancing. My parents insist on dancing now. That's all they talk about now. My life changed for her. Hers changed for mine. She wants to go back to who she was, before me, before Billy, before everyone else. It's not possible. You meet people along the way, and you either take them for the ride or you dont. I caught on, captivated by her. I loved every minute of it, but I saw she was sad, she was frustrated, she was getting sick. I tried, I didn't notice. Work was catching up with me and her, and she just had to shed something. The one thing that brought me joy, the one thing that seperated me from the rest of the guys, that was her. Now I'm just like every single one of my single friends. I liked having someone. There's that thing. That past tense. I just cant bring myself to let go.

She wrote on my wall once. "I believe in you". She still does, or at least she tells me, but I like to think she does. I've never known her to quit on anything except for us. That's the one thing. Maybe she isn't, maybe she is. I believed in her, I helped her through tough and through sadness. When we first started, she wrote, "I'm falling, will you be there to catch me?" I said I was. I still am. But when I fell, I fell onto the sharp shards, rocks sticking out of the ground, my body pounded into a grotesque shape and form. I just wish...

But that feeling, I hope is temporary. She taught me not to quit, I'm not quitting. I hope she sees, if anyone can be so dedicated, for a little glimmer of joy, to have faith and hope for those who need it most, I just hope she can see with open eyes. One summer isn't enough. It's going to be a fucking long 2 years at Berkeley.

I love her. I just cant seem to get through anymore. Its like i'm some other radio station. Everyone tells me its my fault, everyone points fingers, that's what leads to thoughts, that's what leads me to open the window looking over the 8th floor, that's what nearly pushed me. I came close to falling, with no one to catch me. I remain sitting on this branch.

I love you Zachary. You've got too much love, that's the scary bit. Keep hope, maybe she hasn't quit just quite yet. Maybe she hasn't completely given up on you. Keep that chin up, and give a flower time to bloom before you can pick it.

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