November 13, 2007

How to survive 10 mintues into the future: Lectures

Lets take a metaphorical example, take you and time and tweak it. You have now been thrown forward, into the future... TEN WHOLE MINUTES

Lets take a metaphorical example. Meet Fred. He's your average chemistry student at Vanderbilt college. Sitting through a lecture on molecular structures of organic compounds, he suddenly feels very strange. Very very very strange. At this point, he has transversed across space. Space time and jelly beans as we know it. He has travelled... ten minutes. Into the future!!

First, dont panic. That's what your future 10 minutes from now friends expect. Or maybe it isn't. But other than that, we really wont know how anyone in the future will react. What this article will help you, is to deal with the ten minutes of the future. And today, we'll deal with the lecture.

Step one: Dont panic, you've done the reading

As long as you've done it. If you know what I mean. Ok. So if the conversation suddenly jumps into a totally new section, one of two things will happen. I can guarantee it. You'll either understand the conversation, or you'll have absolutely no idea what the hell they're talking about. The first situation is thanks to: Reading before class! The second situation is a result of *ominous music* not reading the night before! So here's an example of what is likely to happen. So let's go look in on Fred.

(Fred read the night before)
GSI: So class, Janick states that the mind is a quagmire that cannot comprehend new data in a modular form.
Bill: But then that contradicts Usther's theorem that any new data is comprehended over a slow period.
Fred: But then Usther is recgonized by the catholic as well as the american psychological society as a radicalist and cannot comprehend the actual details of a working mind
*time quirk*
GSI: So if Usther and Janick met, the consequential algorithm would be in such a cataclysmal manner that the necessary hereditary abilities would be lost.
Fred: But then, what if they were to cross paths without meeting would the resulting experience might eliminate the possibilities of apathy.
GSI: Very good. Have some candy.

(Fred didn't read the night before)
GSI: So if you induce an pulating and repeating force, the amplitude of the wave effect on the tensile string will result in a parallel shift.
Will: What would be the effect of the quantum parables on the system?
Fred: Well, the effect would result in the creation of excessive amounts of force on the outer limits of the system
Will: Ahhh i get it.
*time quirk*
Will: So what would the be the the degrheteryan mode of the paranormal shift in the case of oscillating phalluses?
GSI: Well the quantum phose shift will result in the creation of multiple parables that create a modular quangular delanger on the freschon. The quarbled deton of the mischav will multifrange the descalanator. Fred, what's the resultant of the dilution?
Fred: fuck!

(*I know for the sake of you college students, I made up at least half the words used by the GSI in the second situation)

Step two: Ask questions to make it seem like nothing happened
Even if you dont have any idea what class you're in, still ask questions that are broad and generic. It works everywhere. Trust me. Advanced linear analytical calculus? No problem. Material Science Engineering analysis on stone frequencies? No problem! Taxidermy 101? Works like a charm. So let's put Fred in our little situation.

In Math Class
*fred wakes up*
GSI: Mr. Wilton, Is there a question you have?
Fred: Yes, can you apply this to the homework?
GSI: *taken aback* Uh, sure. You put this over here
*does homework problem*
Fred: *copies homework then turns it in*

In Physics Lecture
Professor: Mr. Wilton!
*Fred wakes up*
Fred: Yes, I was awake
Prof: Then ask me a question *smug look*
Fred: In what way does can the problem be applied in real life?
Prof: Uh... it cant. It exists only in perfect systems.
Fred: So are you calling me a failure?
Prof: No! Of course not
Fred: Fine, i'm leaving I need to see my psychiatrist.
*walks out of lecture hall, and walks to bar*

In Taxidermy 101
GSI: Mr. Wilton...
Fred: *snore*
GSI: *pokes Fred with a taxidermy pin
Fred: yeow! What was that for.
GSI: Sleeping
Fred: No I wasnt...
GSI: So ask me a question relating to the chapter
Fred: Can we apply the technique to things that require constant moisture?
GSI: Uh, the technique of cross stitching can in fact be applied to large sport fish, but not small trout and fish like that.
Fred: *pretends to write it down* Thanks GSI

Step three: steal notes
Does it really seem that illogical to steal someone's notes? Of course not. Not when your booty is on the line. At this point, you're going to either take a pen scanner and scan everything and read it over later. In the mean time, sleep through the rest of the lecture. When you go home, upload the file you scanned with your pen scanner. Got it there on your desktop? Good. Now delete it. Hah, as if you've ever need them before. You're a one man test wrecking machine!

Step four: Just leave
Its college. Who's going to care if you fail? Other than you and your parents and family and friends and your GSIs and peer advisers. Everyone else wont care. They're your new friends now! Make sure you get me the one girl who doesn't remember your name or face's number. She's totally hot.

So with that in mind, remember. Happy futures mean you did something bad in the past! I'm your blogger, Zach


Jordy/Chigaijin said...

I like how you give up on the time travel guise halfway through, and return (resign?) to practicality.

newnorth said...

You're crazy, step 4 is the only option. :p

Mel said...


do you homework!