by: Aaron Peever
The Internal Monologue of a Polo Shirt about to have its Collar Popped
Ah yes, Friday! I’ve done my time in the hamper and in the wash and now it’s finally my day in the rotation. Friday! That’s the best day to get worn. That means I’m chick-worthy. I’m the kind of shirt that is going to get a girl all excited and maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll get tossed on the floor tonight. That would be so rad. The striped dress shirts will be so jealous.
That’s right buddy, take me off the hanger. You know I’m the pick of the week. There’s no question that I’m getting worn tonight. You even ironed me last night straight out of the dryer. Extra starch on the collar too. This is going to happen, pal. There you go buddy, toss me onto the bed to make sure I match your jeans. You know I do. Pastel Pink goes with everything my man, the chick at A&F told you so.
Yeah, that’s a good looking shirt/jean combo. This is going to work. What are you doing? Are you putting on Axe? That stuff reeks. It smells like Binaca and lighter fluid. Aw crap, now we’re going to smell like an asshole all night.
Yes, this is it. Put me on. Effin’ right we look good. Vintage fit was definitely a good choice. I totally make your arms look huge. I am so going to get tossed on the floortonight. It looks like we’re ready to hit the town. What are you doing? Oh crap, come on. Don’t flip up my collar it looks retarded. Are you serious? You’re going to go out like that with my perfectly pressed collar flipped up?No one can appreciate my thread count if you do that. Not to mention the fact that it looks mighty gay.
I hope you can pull this off my friend, because you have just cut your chances in half. Maybe if you put on a nice hat it will cancel out the lame-factor of the collar. A visor? Seriously? I’m not so sure about that. Oh shit, you did not just put that on upside down. You actually think that looks good? Give me a break, man. That is the worst idea ever. Are you trying to go home with a fat chick? Is that the case? Because you’re doing everything right if you are.
I thought tonight was going to be different. I really did. Oh well, you asked for it. I am totally going to make myself get wrinkled by the time you leave, and then we’ll see who brings anyone home. And if you spill anything on me tonight, I swear to God I will shrink in the wash. You better finish gelling your hair, I think I hear your bros coming.