April 15, 2008

Fear

You know that feeling. That one called fear? Some of you claim no familiarity with it, others of you may say he has never left your side for a moment. I dont blame you. I've had that moment too when it would stalk me for hours on end. But the moment daylight came up, all was resolved. But night would come soon and you'd go back into it.

As a college student, you realize how much fear has transformed. As a child, your fears were the opposite sex, no recess, the boogie man who lived under your bed and in your closet at night. All sorts of wild and fantastic things and beasts that never existed. As you grew older, I'm sure the opposite sex became less of a beast and recess was nothing more than a mere period for teachers to relax and catch a smoking break. Then the boogie man. He never quite left now did he? I still know people. At my age. Get freaked out by scary movies, then can sleep at all at night. I know. I'm like that. That's why I abstain from it.

But the fear I want to talk about is that fear of the opposite sex. Sure, it has gone away for the most part, but still. It exists. In the virgin, the one bereft of confidance, the one who thinks about it, but never acts on it. To let you know, i'm one of those.

To be honest and frank with you all, I haven't been on a real date since august of 2006. That's an approximate time. I'm sore some of you could consider when I took a friend out for dinner, the two of us, a few months back as one, but it was more of a quasi dinner get together. With the two of us. In Jupiter. At its loudest. Ok, for certain, I probably wouldn't go back to Jupiter for a date, but the food's amazing.

But still friends, I live in that fear of rejection. Its why I cant flyer on sproul sometimes. I cant bear to be one of the annoying broods attempting to stick you with a flyer that you're not even interested in. Which is why, thankfully, my group has decided to abstain from hand to hand flyering and stick with stapling and stalling. But back to rejection. I'm guessing from the most of you, you all have that confidence to do it, right up, no worries there. But I still live day by day, one step at a time, plotting and calculating every outcome and every downfall that may happen if action is taken place. Where some of us rely on quantum physics too much and less on the initiative. We are pathetic sometimes. In the presence of that special someone, our legs turn to jelly and we talk about the weather instead.

Dont get me wrong, the weather is interesting sometimes, and in normal conversation, it has come up actually. I kid you not. But back to jelly. I know a girl, shes beautiful, funny and interesting. But I had not the courage to ask her. Even when drunk, I could not ask her. That fear held me back.

What I hate most in relation to this topic is when your friends catch on. When you're more transparent than see through lingerie. When they can read you easier than an alphabet book. Blast, damn, bother and curse. Then there was the other girl, much older, but I never bothered.

What also was quite annoying was my inability to tell if someone was interested. It always happens to the person of another person's affection. It just seems like that. The person is completely oblivious except for his or her friends. Its annoying.

Then came at last, someone new. Someone I can relate to (I think) and someone who was pretty and funny and oh so sweet. What am I doing here just writing about it? Fear. That's what. That little four letter word we mingle with every so often.

For me, I wish I could have the courage to ask her out. I've had the made up scenarios in my head that it works, then the onset of failure plagues me. Then I forget and fade back into a wall flower.

I need courage. She'll never say yes.
You just gotta try
No, I cant. I dont want to hear say no.
Just do it stupid.
No no no!
You like her. What's the fear in asking?
Rejection. That's what.
Fine. Be a dick. No, a pussy. That's all you'll ever amount to.

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