May 25, 2010

The Book of Jengasis

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Chapter 1
1. First there was nothing in the world and all was silent.
2. Then the hands of the creators descended from their realm.
3. They created a planet, and it was good.
4. The second day, they made the oceans and mountains and it was good.
5. The third day, they created trees and plants and all things living, and it was good.
6. The fourth day, they created man and he was good.
7. The fifth day, they created woman and she was good.
8. The sixth day, they created blocks, and a whole lot of them, and it was good.
9. On the seventh day, they sat, rested and it was good.
10. For the first time, the creator hands spoke to man and woman.
11. Thou shalt work and study like people
12. On the sabbath, thou shalt build a tower
13. And three blocks wid it shalt be and as high as the top of the trees
14. Once thy tower is complete, thou shalt enjoy it and play with it
15. And with that, the hands disappeared from sight.
16. The next day, man took on a name of Robert and it was good.
17. Woman also took a name and she was Sharon and it was good.
18. They lived in a beautiful garden paradise named Weeden.
19. The hands came down and forth again.
20. Thou shalt not touch the forbidden pomplemousse tree of Parcheesi
21. If thou does thoucheth iteth, thou willeth suffereth a stormeth of diceth.
22. After saying that, the great hands disappeared from sight.
23. They lived peacibly in the garden for a year and a half and never were angry.
24. One day, the serpent of temptation and discounts bit a thron and his tongue was forever forked
25. The serpent hissed at Sharon, hypnotizing her with the movements of his forked tongue.
26. "Thou shalt eat from the forbidden tree of Parcheesi, and thou shalt save 50% on all purchases over 20 dollars at the Pick and Pay."
27. Compelled by some unseen force, Sharon reached for the forbidden pomplemousse tree of Parcheesi.
28. Sharon did touch a pomplemousse, and her hand shriveled up and fell off.
29. The great hand of the creator came down and flicked Sharon and Robert out of the Garden of Weeden and were forever more banished.
30. Robert was still physically whole, having borne of sound mind and body.
31. But Sharon, disfigured and deformed was a gimp and an outcast of degenerate proportions
32. And they had nothing buch each other and ark loads of blocks. Sharon and Robert commenced to build towers, and they called this Jenga.
33. Sharon and Robert began removing blocks from the tower, symbolizing their removal from Weeden.
34. They then replaced the blocks on top of the tower to represent their new beginnings upon the worldly world of earth, and the more they built, the less stable it became.
35. Mary did move the blocks with much difficulty using her only hand.
36. In the equity of spirit, and in fairness of play, Robert did vow never to use his two blessed hands in the worship.
37. And that was how it came to be, that forever the revelers of Jenga, used but one hand to move the good blocks.

Chapter 2.
1. Although gone from Weedon, Robert and Sharon did liveth out the good life on the land that the great hands had created.
2. Although a gimp, Sharon begat two children, and they were raised well by the hardy spirit of Robert.
3. They were known to the worldly world as Drain and Unable, born and raiseth under the shade of a Pomplemousse tree.
4. They still lived the good life the great hands had laid out and their parents had raiseth them to accept.
5. At the begatting ceremony, one was destined for evil (like in all good books, movies and plays.)
6. While playing in the garden, Unable had wandered into the house, for want of lunchables and other play time snacks.
7. Pissed with lower than average performance reviews, the hands of creation had flicked the serpent out of weedon.
8. As it flew, it came upon the outside of the door of Robert and Sharon's modest two storey, three bedroom, two and a half bath with full kitchen and utilities house and worked its wayeth into the back enclosed garden.
9. The serpent slithered between the collard greens, tomatoes, beans, potatoes, onions, corn, heather, thyme, rosemary, dill, rhododendrons, cauliflowers, broccoli, spinach, celery, cabbage and lettuce.
10. The serpent of evil, commencedeth to wrapeth himselfeth around the baby Drain and commenced with its hypnotism of evil and half off deals.
11. "Baby Drain, thou shalt become the evil one in the family, thou shalt strayeth from the flock, and leadeth your people naught from pure and Jenga, but to the rotted flesh and general nastyness of Parcheesi."
12. "But why does thou want me to do so? Are my mother and father of great moral and mortal goodness? It is not the way of Jenga and I cannot follow that which topples the tower."
13. Then, the serpent replied to baby Drain and lieth to him, so boldly and with such great audacity, that the forces of destruction could have taken Drain instantly.
14. "You see young child, I have been around since the third days of creation, I came, I saw, and I really took advantage of some bargain fruit.
15. I saw the land emerge, I saw it rise from the ground and I witnessed the adoration of mankind and I can tell, just by the geomorphology and the shape of the worldly world, that it was destined to be that for Parcheesi and other dice related games."
16. Drain only could look on and reply "I shalt not have no doings against my mother and father, it shalt not shat upon the golden face of Jenga."
17. The serpent began to move its tongue about and baby Drain was led unto the dice cup of temptation and was forever transfixed in neutral until the age of 18 to suddenly embrace that which is not Jenga.
18. The serpent was clever in his wily ways, and made Drain that which is not Jenga only come out as an angsty teenager going through senior drama.
19. A great number of years had passed without event or change. Other than Sharon's missing hand growing back but only to the size of a small key lime.
20. It was seventeen years, to the date, and upon the kindly countenance of the young, pimply and angsty Drain, did the evil behest itself upon his behavior.
21. Drain snucketh into the kitchen's pantry and stole from his mother and father. He took the bread to last him, the water to sustain him, and his father's playboys to entertain him.
22. Under the cool darkness of night, then upon an escape did Drain make the leave from home for the time.
23. Drain walked for many days, seven days and nights to be exact, and soon upon the morn of the eighth day, did he finish the last of the sustenance, and could no longer open the playboys from being cemented together.
24. He collapsed onto the cold desert sands and before him, a light doth appeared.
25. There before him, just slightly to the left of where he lay sprung forth, growing at an accelerated rate, a gleaming pomplemousse tree, filled with Parcheesis.
26. Drain took what he could, and walked further yet, and came upon a settlement of people, these were those who had been expelled from the garden of Opoloy for cheating as banker.
27. Drain embraced these peoples, and they all embraced Parcheesi, and yet, Drain felt still a heavy burning in his heart.
28. Drain then took an antacid tablet.
29. Robert did feel the evil of Parcheesi grab at him and cut of his left in penitence for Jenga.

Chapter 3 (incomplete)
1. Many years had passed since the vow of penitence for Jenga did Robert take.
2. Robert and Sharon worked hard to till the land, and with enough begatting, they established a long standing community to build temples, shrines and two public libraries with a magazine section.
3. Man had spread himself to the far reaching corners of the earth, spreading the words of their gods as interpreted in their own ways.
4. The great creator, curious as to how his science project was going, came forth upon the people at midnight in their time zones to check how progress was going.
5. "Doth thou all respect and honor me?"
6. "Yes."
7. "Doth thou all respect and honor me with celebration?"
8. "Yes."
9. "Doth thou all respect and honor me with celebration by doing the old, you know, custom?"
10. "Yes."
11. "Doth thou all respect and honor me with celebration by doing the old, you know, custom of Jenga?"
12. And upon the utterance of Jenga, did several people look ashamed, bashful and confused. The creator looked unto these people and gave them the stink eye.
13. "What hath thou been doing with thy free time then?"
14. "Parcheesi"

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