October 23, 2009

Kurt you Asshole

Jerome walked into the coffeehouse, up to the massive wooden counter, and ordered his coffee. He stood as the barista carefully measured out the coffee and portions for his morning jolt. As he watched, steam gushed from every direction of the machine and he stared with a morning blankness as if he had just awoken not too long ago. In fact, he did wake up just fifteen minutes ago, dressed and rushed out of his apartment. The barista placed the hot, steaming drink on the counter and he paid for it. Then, he tossed the change in the tip jar and walked over to the window and eased himself into one of the leather seats. He stared across the street enjoying the peace, when all of a sudden, he heard a tinkle of glass. His attention was stirred as his eyes darted to the brownbrick apartment across the street.
The front door flew open and a man wrapped in a sheet came rushing out. His muscular build suggested he was a good looking guy and probably got around a bit at the night clubs. Behind him came a flurry of objects being thrown through the darkness of the hall. A vase, several plates spun past him and one shattered against a parking meter. The door slammed shut and he stared upwards. In Brooklyn, no one paid attention, and merely walked around the hail of desetruction. Jerome eased back a little bit more and continued to watch. A window opened two stories up and a blonde head popped out. He heard an inaudiable scream and yelling, and a shower of objects followed. Clothes, shirts, golf clubs, all things of a merry bachelor's life.
Jerome finished and proceeded to leave the coffeehouse and when he was outside, he could hear all.
"Baby, please. Look, I promise you, nothing happened!"
"Yeah right you fucking asshole." A 10 gallon fishtank promptly landed next to him scattering glass everywhere.
"No! Not my fish. Baby girl, stop!"
"Dont call me that you condescending dickhead! How could you sleep with my sister!?" This time, she perched a large plasma screen tv onto the sill.
"No, stop! Not my tv!"
"That's all you are Kurt, one materialistic bastard!" The tv fell onto a car parked outside.
"Fuck! My beemer! Ok, Cassie, this is it. One last time. I said chill the fuck out, ok?"
"Chill out? Chill out? That's all you ever say to me when I'm going ballistic over cleaning up after you fucking mistakes Kurt. Which if I may remind you, are all the source of every one of my problems. If you want me to chill out, then here's this!" A white cube barely squeezed through the window and Jerome watched as it fell. When it hit the ground, it became apparent to him that it was a minibar.
"Cassie! What the fuck! There was top shelf shit in that!"
"Oh, there's so much more you bastard!" More things hailed down, people walked around until an hour and a half later, the sidewalk was covered in wet and broken furniture, electronics, clothes, shoes, sports equipment and bedding. "Dont ever call again you dick. You, you you.... Kurt you Asshole!" The window snapped shut. Kurt stood dejected and pissed off. He surveyed his pile of broken items and jumped into his car and drove off. Jerome walked over, across the street, to examine the pile of things. The window opened, and the head popped out again. "You forgot your stupid cactus asshole!" Jerome shouted stop and the head changed to a look of shock. "Ohmigosh, i'm sorry." the cactus dropped from her hand and landed with a smatter several feet away from him.
"Did you get ina fight?"
"Sort of."
"You're kind of cute."


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