July 27, 2007

Zach's Guide on Surviving 10 minutes into the future: Culture Gap

Lets take a metaphorical example, take you and time and tweak it. You have now been thrown forward, into the future... TEN WHOLE MINUTES.

Good evening readers here from sunny, West coast San Francisco. I dont live there, but I live somewhere near. But anyhow, lets get started on our whole situation. What are you going to do to survive? How will you manage? But today, we focus on the Culture gap of your pre10 minute agoistic culture and the culture of the 10 minutes ahead culture.

Number one: If anyone should ask you if you've heard the new: Djoe or Eaked Album, do what you used to do ten minutes in the past whenever someone mentioned a band you've never heard of. Lie the shit out of your pants. No need to actually know the songs themselves either. Just nod and go: Oh yeah! a lot. You're catching on quickly!

Example: In the 10 minute past:
Bob: Hey man, have you heard the new Radiohead album?
Sara: Um... (contemplates... Who is Radiohead?) Of course. It's totally awesome.
Bob: Good
*time quirk*
Futurebob: Hey man, have you heard the new MxPx album?
Sara: Um... (contemplates... Who is MxPx?) Of course. It's totally awesome.
Futurebob: Boop boop.

Number 2: When anyone asks you to sing along, just BS it. It dont matter if you know the words for sure. Just do what you used to in the past. Mouthing! It makes you look cool, and yet, all you're doing is behaving like a fish! Applies to past songs, future songs and foreign songs.

Example: In the 10 minute past
Bob: Hey Sara, c'mon. Sing "Indigo Tapes" with me!
Sara: *mouths along*
Bob: And I dont know how you got the tape stuck in there! Oooh yeah!
*time quirk*
Futurebob: Hey Sara, c'mon. Sing "Indigenous Tapes" with me!
Sara: *mouths along*
Bob: And I dont know how the abo got into the VCR! Oooh yeah!
*abduction into foreign country*
Roberto: Muey Muey sneiohah, Quong "Indyhgk Tapuu" con mah!
Sara: *mouths along*
Roberto: dugga Dugga dugga! Hoom vah leek do tah!

So maybe that last one wont work so well, but anything is always worth a shot.

Number three: So you've missed the last ten minutes in television. Big deal you think. Of course its a big deal. Look at your watch. What time did you skip? First part of the hour or half hour? You got off lucky. The end of the first half hour or the end of the hour? You're screwed! How will you know what happens on reality TV shows or game shows or your soaps?! Hopefully, if you were smart, you'd tape every single episode on television, stack and correlate the tapes and watch them if you ever experience a time jump. You may look like a crazy person whose home is filled with a million VCR cassette tapes, but at least you'll know who got kicked off the island while you were gone.

Number four: If you were in a club at the time. Lucky you. You've just skipped past 10 minutes of annoying thumping sounds that passes for music in bars. But maybe while you were gone, they started playing a song that was interactive. Like the macarena or the YMCA. Whatever it is 10 minutes into the future and you find yourself in the middle of, get the heck out. Dont be a fool and stand and try to do what everyone else is doing. You'll never make it.

So with that in mind, happy futures means you did something bad in the past! I'm your blogger, Z

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